I often have started my photography, but then as I started looking at others work, those local & those national, I began to get major anxiety so I slowly got farther and farther away from something I really do love doing very much. I need to realize that my work is my work, & their work is theirs. Of course there is room for improvement but it doesn't mean I should keep giving up so easily.
I want people to understand me & know the reason I am socially awkward & strange at times. It is because of my major anxiety, it is because of personal reasons which I would probably be glad to answer if someone cared enough to sit down and tried to get to know me, but it is also because I am on the Spectrum - The Autism Spectrum. I am high functioning, which was formerly known as Aspergers. I always knew something was different about me besides being unable to socially engage with other people. I want to, it's just always been something of a struggle. A lot of interaction tends to wear me out mentally, which is hard for a lot of people to understand but was like a light bulb went off when I researched & finally received my diagnosis late in adulthood. I've never publically spoken about it in this manner so it makes me feel vulnerable and exposed in a way, but I am hoping in time it will feel at ease.
So back to photography, when I decided to go back to work I found that doing photography and working was just a lot for me to handle, personally. I know a lot of people who do it, I bow down to them, they are amazing. I don't know how they find the energy or time, but I just couldn't manage them both. I would be asked here and there to do a small session, and usually I'd oblige if our schedules synched up. At work I was happy for a while but then personal things at home led me to the decision to quit my job at the end of September 2016.
Around that time, I mentally wasn't doing well at all. I've struggled with depression my entire adult life off and on, and it's usually manageable but the times that are bad, they are REALLY bad. I secretly started going through my belongings, and threw away pretty much everything (Besides stuff regarding my children) that ever meant anything to me at all, because I felt as if no one in the world ever loved me at any point so why should I keep any mementos. I had kept notes from childhood friends from 6-12 grade and various letters from friends, boyfriends, and family. I moved a lot over the past 20 years, & managed to lug all that stuff with me but at that dark point in my life, I just felt like, "Why? I am worthless, if I disappeared no one would even care or notice at all."
I was in such a dark place it scared me, I didn't even care about anything either. I had a plan in place to go visit family, & well lets leave it at to never be seen again.
A funny thing happened though, and I didn't really even realize it until I started writing this now is that a person contacted me inquiring me about some photography work. It was for a wedding, which right away I disregarded because that is one area,, with all my social and general anxiety is out of the question. I told her that I didn't do weddings, offered her some suggestions on who I could recommend, but she told me she didn't mind that I didn't have experience, she liked my photos, she liked my style or eye. Now normally, in all honesty I don't care what she would have offered to pay me, or what she would have said, I would have thought of something to get out of it because that's what I normally do. I am a cowardice. I hide, I stay where I am comfortable. Somehow though, I agreed to do it.
Now, I am not going to lie and say everything went amazing and without a hitch. No way, I froze like a deer in headlights. I was so scared, and I even took some anxiety medication. I prepared in advance, even had my daughter quizzing me on family names, and information that I was provided & I learned everything I needed to learn for the day's event.
I can't explain what it is but when other people are around and whether they are or aren't but I feel like they are or could be looking at me, I freak out & freeze up like a scared little abused puppy or something. So, I wasn't outgoing, I probably wasn't exactly what they wanted or expected for a photographer but I was proud of myself because even though it wasn't a huge success, it was a personal success. I will be posting some photos of the wedding soon. Sorry this was the long way to say, that in retrospect, this Wedding, though it scared the bleep out of me, started me back on my path to feeling mentally well again & for that I am grateful to God, to this woman and her family for booking me for the job. Thank you.
I know this post is very personal and some may think I should keep it private but so many things are kept quiet and make us feel ashamed. There are times it's good to feel ashamed, but a mental, physical illness, or being human shouldn't be one of them as long as we seek to do better. That's what I aim to continue doing by best at working on everyday.
